


To Doubt is to Lose

by Bookwormscififan



Series: Song Related Fics [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, doubt comes in, hadestown - Freeform, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26648533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookwormscififan/pseuds/Bookwormscififan
Summary: Roman ventures into the Deep Mind to find himself. Thomas goes into the Deep Mind to get Roman. Thomas makes it out, but does Roman?
Series: Song Related Fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1890301
Kudos: 6





	To Doubt is to Lose

**Author's Note:**

> The song I used for this is 'Doubt Comes In' from the Hadestown Broadway soundtrack. I had written another based on a completely different version before, but I have the lyrics here so there's no confusion! Enjoy!

_[FATES]_

_Doubt comes in_

_The wind is changing_

_Doubt comes in_

_How cold it's blowing_

_Doubt comes in_

_And meets a stranger_

_Walking on a road alone_

_Where is she?_

_Where is she now?_

_Doubt comes in_

To think of the Deep Mind as being the coldest part of Thomas’ mind was like looking for a warm pocket under bedclothes in winter.

But still, the guardian of the Deep Mind could tell something was wrong. He shivered, pulling his cloak tighter around his shoulders, and peered into the gloom. Somewhere out there, the right side of Thomas’ brain was creating his dreams. The guardian could just make out the border, a slight discolouration of the ground where lost meets found.

“Lost meets found” was a strange way to put it. Lost can’t really meet anything. It’s a state of being: one is either lost, or they aren’t. Still, the guard could see a line defining the end of the Deep Mind’s territory and the start of the Imagination.

A figure was sneaking across the border, wearing a hooded cloak coloured scarlet. Roman. The guard rolled his eyes, pulling a small clipboard and pen from the folds of his cloak. This would be the seventh time Roman came to the gate to enter the Deep Mind.

_[ORPHEUS]_

_Who am I?_

_Where do I think I'm goin'?_

Roman’s cloak fluttered behind him, echoing his footsteps as he crept toward the Deep Mind.

_I will get there. I’ll save them all, and I’ll be the hero again._ His thoughts repeated themselves like a mantra in his head as he walked, spurring him on. Sword braced at his belt, Roman took a deep breath and stopped in front of the guard.

“Let me in.”

_[FATES]_

_Doubt comes in_

“Your attempt is fruitless.” Roman stared at the guard, eyes wide.

“What do you mean? I can do this!” The guard lowered his head, shadows falling over his face.

“You won’t. I’ve seen too many Sides come in here, and none of them return. They all had your energy… once.” Roman unconsciously took a step back, bile swelling in the back of his throat.

_[ORPHEUS]_

_Who am I?_

_Why am I all alone?_

What if he never came back? Did he really, _honestly_ think he could make it? He was starting to feel unsure.

Thoughts raced in his mind, and he swayed. _You can’t do this. You aren’t strong enough. Why did you ever think you could?_ Pushing the thoughts back and biting his lip, Roman clenched his fists and looked at the guard.

“I can do this.”

_[FATES]_

_Doubt comes in_

The guardian of the Deep Mind sighed, knowing he couldn’t reason with a True Side. He took a step back, waving a hand in resignation toward the gate.

“Go. I won’t try to stop you. But I tell you, nobody has ever made it out. Not even Creativity.”

_[ORPHEUS]_

_Who do I think I am?_

_Who am I to think that she would follow me into the cold and dark again?_

Roman stepped toward the gate, suddenly nervous.

_Creativity’s in there. The **real** Creativity. You can get him out. Thomas’ career is secure if you get Creativity out._ But what if he couldn’t? The guard’s words echoed in his head. If Creativity couldn’t get out, how was Roman supposed to make it?

_[FATES]_

_Where is she?_

_Where is she now?_

Roman was more than just Thomas’ creativity. He was Hope, he was Dreams, he was Ego. Without Roman, Thomas would have nothing.

What would happen if the Deep Mind were opened to Thomas? The guardian bit his lip, weighing options in his mind as he waited for a sign that either Roman was coming back, or he was lost.

_[EURYDICE and WORKERS]_

_Orpheus_

_Are you listening?_ _Are you listening?_

_I am right here_

_We are all right here_

_And I will be to the end_ _Will be to the end_

_And the coldest night_ _Coldest night_

_Of the coldest year_ _Coldest year_

_Comes right before the spring_ _Comes right before the spring_

Thomas woke with a start, heart pounding. Something had woken him, but he wasn’t sure what exactly.

“Thomas… is this working? Can you hear me? Can you see me?” Something moved in his peripheral vision, but when Thomas turned to look, there was nothing there. He took a deep breath, placed a hand over his heart, then swung his legs over the edge of his bed.

Pulling his striped dressing-gown on, he reached for the light, glancing at the clock as he moved. 2:48 am. It was too early to be awake. Thomas bit his lip, then flicked the light on. He almost screamed as the room was flooded with light.

A figure stood at the end of his bed, wearing a hooded cloak. He looked up, staring at Thomas as if daring him to scream, then lifted an arm to remove his hood.

“Please, don’t scream. I don’t like the screaming.” Thomas stared at the figure, confused about his origins.

“Who-” he paused to swallow, clearing his throat, “who are you?”

“They called us Lost Sides. Once, we were as important as them. Now, we wander in doubt and confusion.” The Side, as he claimed to be, sat on the edge of Thomas’ bed and shook his head.

“The guard sent me here. I’m supposed to take you with me to the Deep Mind.”

Thomas’ eyes went wide, and he moved further away from the Side.

“Wait a minute. I need to process this.” The Lost Side looked at him with unblinking eyes, mouth set into a line.

“Process what? It’s all pretty straightforward.” Thomas held a hand out to silence the Side, shaking his head.

“No… no, it’s not straightforward! I have a lot of questions here! What do you mean by ‘Lost Sides’? What’s the Deep Mind? Who the heck is the guard? My head hurts…” The Side lifted a hand toward Thomas, then reconsidered and dropped his hand.

“The Lost Sides are the ones who went searching for themselves in the Deep Mind… and never came back. Think of the Deep Mind as your subconscious. It’s the part of your mind that works when you don’t, the part that you have no control of. One of the Lost Sides guards the gate there, tracking every Side that goes through the gate, and at times stopping the careless Sides.” He sighed, seeing Thomas’ blank face.

“There was a rumour that the Deep Mind would give us reason to be Sides. People went in looking for a purpose, and they get drawn into the sea of confusion. The Deep Mind doesn’t give us purpose, it takes it away. I don’t know why the guard sent me to find you, but Roman went into the Deep Mind.” That made Thomas look up.

“But… if Roman went into the Deep Mind…” he ran a hand through his hair, then looked at the Lost Side.

“What do I do?”

_[ORPHEUS]_

_La la la la la la la..._

_La la la la la la la..._

_Who am I?_

_Who am I against him?_

_Who am I?_

_Why would he let me win?_

_Why would he let her go?_

_Who am I to think that he wouldn't deceive me just to make me leave alone?_

Roman had never seen the Deep Mind beyond the gate. He always pictured it as being an extension to the Imagination, with maybe some connection to Logan’s side of the Mindscape.

But this… was unexpected. Roman stood two steps from the gate, just looking at the area. It was bright, to start. White everywhere, and impossibly large. It seemed to go on forever. The ground could barely be seen due to the shoe scuffs or the countless Sides wandering around.

Roman took a deep breath in, struggling to breathe in the place. The air was filled with doubt, and heavy with confusion. Roman swore he could cut the air with his sword… if he even remembered how to draw it.

_It’s already started. You’re beginning to forget. How can you possibly save everyone if you can’t even remember how to fight?_ The voices echoed louder here, almost as if the white walls made the sound reverberate.

The prince took another deep breath, then let it out slowly and shook his head defiantly. He could do this. Maybe. If he at least managed to get Creativity out, then his job would be done. _But what if Creativity doesn’t **want** to be saved?_

He would deal with that when he got to it.

_[FATES and ORPHEUS]_

_Doubt comes in_

_The wind is changing_ _Is this a trap that's bein' laid for me?_

_Doubt comes in_

_How cold it's blowing Is this a trick that's bein' played on me?_

_Doubt comes in and meets a stranger_ _I used to see the way the world could be_

_Walking on the road below_ _But now the way it is is all I see and_

_Where is she?_

_Where is she now?_

Following goals was never a forethought in the Deep Mind. You enter the place, and everything you think of goes away.

The guardian chewed his nails, wondering if pulling a Lost Side from the Deep Mind was the right call. Sure, this Side hadn’t been Lost long, but was it too much to throw on Thomas? He never wanted to hurt his host.

Additionally, how would the Sides be able to get Thomas here? Lost Sides had no more power after entering the Deep Mind, there was no way Thomas could use the Mind Palace to get here. They would have to use some ‘back roads’.

The guard looked at his watch, counting the minutes since Roman had entered the Deep Mind. Maybe this was all a huge mistake. Maybe Roman was supposed to come here. The Side groaned, flinging his hood off his head in frustration.

_I was never supposed to handle this! Why did I have to be the guardian?_ His hair fell over his eyes, and he blew the strands away out of the corner of his mouth. He had been promised a new purpose, with no doubts if he came here; so why was he questioning this whole scenario? It made no sense.

_Why did you choose me?_ Nobody responded. Nobody ever did. The guardian grumbled to himself, then pulled his hood back over his head and crossed his arms, leaning heavily against the gate.

_[EURYDICE and WORKERS]_

_Orpheus_

_You are not alone_

_I am right behind you_ _We're all behind you_

_And I have been all along_ _We have been all along_

_The darkest hour_ _Darkest hour_

_Of the darkest night_ _Darkest night_

_Comes right before the_ _\- Right before the_

Thomas followed the Lost Side through the “back roads” of the Mind Palace, too nervous to speak. The Side hurried forward, cloak billowing behind him.

“As soon as we get Roman back, you need to forget everything you’ve seen here,” the Lost Side said, stopping at a seemingly random place. Thomas looked around, taking in the vast emptiness around them.

“It’s not like I’ll forget anything important. Where are we, anyway?”

“You’re in the Imagination. Roman and Remus stay here, and they brainstorm their ideas here.” The Lost Side looked around, eyes full of longing.

“Creativity used to create the most wonderful landscapes. He would get inspired by whatever film you had gone to watch, and create the area to look like a scene from the movie.” He sighed, adjusting the hood on his head.

“The twins never managed to agree on a good setting, so they left the Imagination blank until they came in for brainstorming.” He shook his head, beginning to walk again.

“Come on, we need to keep moving.” Thomas blinked, trying to process what had just happened.

“Wait, wait. You can’t just say things like that and then move on! What do you mean, Creativity? I thought Roman and Remus were Creativity!” He hurried after the Side, still asking questions.

“Ask Roman. When we’ve rescued him.”

Thomas and the Lost Side stopped at the gate to the Deep Mind, and the Side continued to walk forward after telling Thomas to stop. Another Side took his place, holding a clipboard and pen.

“Thomas, it’s good to see you again. Welcome to the gateway to the Deep Mind. I’m the guardian of the gate, and I check everyone who comes in. We needed your help. Roman came in here, and he shouldn’t be in there.” Thomas stared blankly at the guardian, scratching his head.

“Hold on. I’ve just walked through _my own mind_ , spoken to a supposed ‘Lost Side’, and learnt about some other Creativity stuff, and you expect me to just agree to help _get Roman out of the Deep Mind_? Are you insane? I need you to give me more information before I do anything.” Having said his piece, Thomas folded his arms and fixed the guard with a glare.

The guardian rolled his eyes upward, then returned his focus to his host.

“Alright, I understand. The Side told you about going into the Deep Mind and getting lost, yes? Well, Roman believes he’s no longer the hero you need, and so he went into the Deep Mind to find himself, Creativity, or rescue the Lost Sides.” He leaned forward, making eye contact.

“Nobody gets out of the Deep Mind, but we need Roman to get out. We need _you_ to get Roman out. He’ll listen to you. Thomas, you need to go into the Deep Mind.” Thomas stared, mouth agape.

“But… that makes no sense! I can’t go into my subconscious! That’s why it’s called a subconscious, it’s different to consciousness! Logan would have so much to say about this!” He began to pace, talking to himself in vain attempts to reason. The guard just watched him, heaving a heavy sigh. Eventually he placed a hand on Thomas’ shoulder.

“Listen, I know it sounds weird too, but I can’t think of any other way to fix this. I don’t know what will happen when you go through those gates, I’ll be honest, but just know that I’m here for whatever happens. Take a deep breath, let me accompany you if you want.” Thomas looked into the guard’s eyes and for a second, he was certain a flash of orange went through the irises. With a deep breath, he closed his eyes and nodded.

“I’ll go.”

_[ORPHEUS, spoken]_

_It's you..._

Roman struggled to continue forward, and his breathing was laboured.

His feet felt like lead, and the doubtful air got thicker with every step he took. His thoughts were blending together, making him confused. Nothing was making sense anymore, but he knew he had to press on. He had to find someone… something?

The faces in the crowd stared at him, faces blank. Roman had stopped looking at faces, deciding instead to just follow his gut. But how could he follow his gut if the directions all made no sense? It was like going into a maze without consulting a map first.

_You’re going to get so lost, nobody will be able to find you._ He shook his head for the umpteenth time, trying desperately to dispel the thoughts. _Maybe if Remus was with me, I’d have better chances._ That thought was just weird. He hadn’t wanted Remus’ help since before they were separated. When they were still under the guidance of Creativity.

_Creativity. That was who you were looking for. Get him out, help Thomas._ Roman felt the weight on his feet lift as the memory resurfaced, and he began to walk a little faster. He had to find Creativity. He had to help Thomas.

“Roman!” That voice… it sounded like Thomas’. He had to laugh, how would Thomas be in the Deep Mind? Hosts can’t be in their subconscious. Yet, something made him turn around.

A couple of figures stood among the crowd, looking at him. The guardian of the Deep Mind, and another one. Mostly faded, but still clearly…

“Thomas?”

_[EURYDICE]_

_(spoken)_

_It's me..._

_(sung)_

_Orpheus..._

The guard stood beside Thomas, keeping tabs on the host’s form as they travelled further into the Deep Mind.

Thomas had begun to fade the second he stepped through the gate, and by the time they were two minutes into the Deep Mind, he had become as faint as yellow pencil on white paper. They had to find Roman quickly.

“There he is! Roman!” Thomas pointed, stopping, as he spotted Roman’s red cloak. The guard looked as well, and saw Roman’s vaguely confused face. The duo moved through the crowd, which parted like the Red Sea at the sight of Thomas, and stood in front of Roman.

“Thomas?” The prince looked more confused when the pair reached him, raising an eyebrow in question.

“Roman, why are you here? What were you thinking?” Thomas reached forward to shake Roman’s shoulders, then gasped as his hands went right through the other.

“What am _I_ thinking? What are _you_ thinking? You can’t come into the Deep Mind! You’ll disappear, then we’ll all cease to exist! You have to leave, I need to find someone…” Roman’s voice trailed off as he began to forget who he was looking for again.

“You’ve been here too long, Roman. You need to get out before you become Lost,” the guardian said, beginning to back away. Thomas followed, each backward step regaining his opacity. Roman watched them go, battling with his thoughts.

“No… I need to stay… I have to find Creativity…” The pair stopped, and Thomas stared at him in astonishment.

“Creativity? Roman, _you_ are Creativity! You and Remus! We went through this! What are you talking about? Why do you guys keep talking about another Creativity?” His voice got more faint as time ticked on, and the guard backed away another step.

Roman looked at Thomas, head tilted to one side.

“Creativity was the Side responsible before Remus and I split. If I find him, then you’ll get better ideas.” Thomas blinked, then felt the guard’s hands on his arms as he dragged Thomas backwards.

“Thomas, we need to get you back out.”

_[ORPHEUS]_

_Eurydice..._

Roman watched as the guardian pulled Thomas out of the Deep Mind, eyes wide.

Slowly, the crowd of Lost Sides began to converge, blocking Roman’s path. The prince stared as the gates closed, and Thomas’ opaque form turned to the gate. He could see Thomas shaking the gates, calling out to him, but he couldn’t hear anything. It was as though someone had stuffed cotton into his ears, and all sound got trapped inside the substance.

Roman wanted to go to Thomas, plead his case, but his feet felt glued to the ground, and he couldn’t make himself move. Helpless, he watched as Thomas gave up, the fight fading from his eyes before he turned and walked away.

“You did it this time,” a voice said behind him, sounding clear as a bell. Roman turned and looked into the eyes of another Lost Side, looking at him with pity in his eyes.

_You know him. He’s who we’ve been looking for._ The longer Roman looked, the more familiar his interlocutor became. Roman could almost see a crown atop his head, and a velvet cloak around his shoulders. Swallowing around a lump in his throat, Roman uttered a final word before his colours drained:

“Creativity?”

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my gosh, thank you for reading this! If you enjoyed it, please leave kudos and comments! If you're confused about anything, let me know, I'll explain!


End file.
